I'm still working through archiving my old blogs, reading through them, and letting myself react to the things that I wrote. I want to just cringe at all the mean things I said about other people and really cry for the times that I wrote mean things about myself too. I think about this version of me half my life ago and how she would react if 40-year-old Aimee approached her and asked her why she's saying the things she's saying, what does it really mean to her?
But that Aimee wouldn't have been able to answer that question. She would haven't had the words, even though she had the writing skill, she didn't know what she felt truly. And I think if me today sat with her and told her all the reasons I think she's being the way she was... that she'd push me away, deny it, and probably say some mean things about Me Today, how I don't understand her actually, how my perceptions could never understand her pain.
And that's exactly why she says all of those mean things. Because she's too afraid to be vulnerable with other people, to let those people in, especially the ones who get close. Because she experienced a lot of pain from the people who she should have been able to trust the most.... including herself.
She got so beaten up by others, that she even lost herself.
And that's really heart-breaking. So I guess in this world where time travel is possible, can I be the parent that I wish that kid always had, can I fix myself for her sake so that, even though all of those bad things happened to her, she can feel safe knowing that she loves herself at least?
I can feel irritated by the things she said, but I have to integrate her into my life, because she's part of me.